Last night, 30 minutes of Edward Ka-Spel.

The moment I walked in, I saw him. How shall I describe what I felt?...It was like cats were playing in my tummy, like I'd stuck my arms in a giant oven and like my legs were dancing to some music that WAS NOT PLAYING AT ALL. And like I was drunk but without alcohol. There he was, perfect and beautiful and sad. I hid my face, I'm blonde now, he won't recognise me. Drank two vodkas in the first 30 minutes. Drunk me, drunk as hell. He comes over and says "Hi"...Why would he do that after saying we should ignore eachother?

He smiled at me all night, we talked, I wanted to fall like a leaf in his hand, I wanted to smell him again, I still remember his smell on that first night...

How do people get so cold after they hold you, after they see inside you? How is it possible? How can his flesh be away from me? How can my lips stay away from his? How should I behave? How should I react?! What should I talk about? Should I tell him I want to die? Should I tell him everything went bad when he said he didn't want to SEE me at all? Should I tell him I pray and cry and lose sleep and refuse to eat and can't be happy? Should I just say "hey let's be together again"?..Or should I hold his hand?! Oh no he just held mine for a second...two seconds...three...four...five...touching my wrist...six. Asking me the stupidest question in the world ("Any idea how to keep the yellow wristband so I don't have to pay tomorrow night?") Why would he do that? Just to tease me? Just to drive me crazy? And he's smiling and looking at me all the time. Why?! Walking me home?! Why?!...

It was the most cruel and confusing evening of my life. I didn't want to go home. Someone had to drag me to some park and make me forget. I forget, yes, for a few seconds.

Where is that hope I mentioned? Drowning in the drinks we had?

Z A M F I
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